When she was born, I looked at her and thought she was the most beautiful baby in the world. In my twenty years I had never looked like anyone or had anyone look like me. Being adopted there are never familiar similarities to anyone in your family. But looking at her little face I saw bits and pieces of myself.
And when she died I lost more then bits and pieces of myself. More then bits and pieces that I never found again. Losing a child is indescribable, words can't speak to that kind of grief and pain.
An emmy award should be given to every parent who has ever lost a child and not turned to drugs or alcohol to anesthetize themselves against the pain. Because those of us that survive without drug or alcohol become award winning actors portraying the living.
You learn to smile and laugh. You fake happiness and mentally write suicide notes. You get really good at faking, until the time draws near to the anniversary of their death.
And then you can't hide it very well and those that know you best, that were there to share in the dreadful event know what you know. They know how hard each day, each minute is to your spirit.
Most of the year I can speak quite clinically about the daughter that once was then wasn't. But come the time between the anniversary of her birth and the anniversary of her death come the "dark" times when you mentally write those notes daily, sometimes hourly.
The times you can't tell if you are tired from lack of sleep or tired from the grief that wraps around your heart and squeezes.
Then when you are just about ready to grab that notepad, the date passes and the squeeze around your heart lessens and you breath a sigh and know that for a while you can go on. And you store away that notepad for another year.
At that time I remind myself how fortunate I was to have had a daughter so wonderful that the pain of losing her lasts a lifetime.
Love to you and yours,
NanaCarol
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
What Makes A Person A Parent
To me one of the great mysteries of the universe is how men can disassociate themselves from their children after a divorce. Is it guilt because they aren't there for the day to day routine of parenting? Or are they just totally irresponsible, heartless humans, or better said....inhumans.
During my marriage I never questioned the love my spouse felt for his children. When home, he was there, not mind wandering about life outside the home. Sure he worked long hours and much of the day to day parenting duties were my responsibility but that was not unusual for the times. He had a career and I only had a job, one I could call to tell them I had sick kids and wouldn't be in.
When the the big "D" happened and the kids and I returned to my hometown I felt although more difficult he would continue to see his children. Little did I imagine he wouldn't see his children for fourteen years.
He missed school plays, T-Ball, Football and countless wrestling matches. He wasn't there to see one son take first in district. He wasn't there to see the other son take second in state. He couldn't drive the 150 miles to see his son wrestle at Regionals. He couldn't drive 15 miles to watch football games where his sons were football heroes.
He wasn't there when his step daughter, who thought of him as her father, drew her last breath after a vigilante battle with cancer. He wasn't there when her casket was lowered into the ground while her brothers, tears streaming down their faces, said goodbye to their much loved sister.
He wasn't there in the months and years to follow as they struggled with their grief. He didn't call to console them. I don't think he even thought about their loss.
What kind of man was he? I don't know. I have thought and thought about what kind of man he is. He spent thirty years serving his country. He loves his sister, nieces and nephews and was a devoted son. But he couldn't put his children's needs in front of his own.
I consider myself to be a bright women but wonder how I could have been so stupid to think this man had the potential to be a father. It makes me question my ability to judge people. Maybe that is why I have never remarried.
What is even more amazing is that my story is not unique. I have heard so many sad stories from single Moms about the "lost" Dads. What causes this phenomenon? Is it a genetic flaw that only men carry? We know it is a character flaw, but could it be a genetic flaw?
Love to you and yours,
NanaCarol
During my marriage I never questioned the love my spouse felt for his children. When home, he was there, not mind wandering about life outside the home. Sure he worked long hours and much of the day to day parenting duties were my responsibility but that was not unusual for the times. He had a career and I only had a job, one I could call to tell them I had sick kids and wouldn't be in.
When the the big "D" happened and the kids and I returned to my hometown I felt although more difficult he would continue to see his children. Little did I imagine he wouldn't see his children for fourteen years.
He missed school plays, T-Ball, Football and countless wrestling matches. He wasn't there to see one son take first in district. He wasn't there to see the other son take second in state. He couldn't drive the 150 miles to see his son wrestle at Regionals. He couldn't drive 15 miles to watch football games where his sons were football heroes.
He wasn't there when his step daughter, who thought of him as her father, drew her last breath after a vigilante battle with cancer. He wasn't there when her casket was lowered into the ground while her brothers, tears streaming down their faces, said goodbye to their much loved sister.
He wasn't there in the months and years to follow as they struggled with their grief. He didn't call to console them. I don't think he even thought about their loss.
What kind of man was he? I don't know. I have thought and thought about what kind of man he is. He spent thirty years serving his country. He loves his sister, nieces and nephews and was a devoted son. But he couldn't put his children's needs in front of his own.
I consider myself to be a bright women but wonder how I could have been so stupid to think this man had the potential to be a father. It makes me question my ability to judge people. Maybe that is why I have never remarried.
What is even more amazing is that my story is not unique. I have heard so many sad stories from single Moms about the "lost" Dads. What causes this phenomenon? Is it a genetic flaw that only men carry? We know it is a character flaw, but could it be a genetic flaw?
Love to you and yours,
NanaCarol
Saturday, November 28, 2009
It's Been A Long Time
It has been a long time since my last blog. Some of the fun of blogging came to an end when the blog I posted about the layoffs at my job, at a company that shall remain nameless, was found and read by someone then emailed all around my corporate office. I guess they had several meetings trying to decide what to do about the "corporate rebel". Of course no one told me. I could have explained that the only people that read my blog were my friends who didn't give a good God D*** about the company I worked for. They didn't know my readership was about 10 people a month. They finally asked me about it and seemed appeased by my limited readership. It was a pathetic waste of corporate time at a time when the company was losing money. It seems, as most of us know, there is little common sense in the corporate world today.
Oh well enough about that. We had a nice Thanksgiving. I longed for the days when I had all of my family together. As much as we want our children to grow up and become grown ups, we spend the rest of our lives missing them. What they should tell us when we are new parents is that we need to instill in our children that they can never live more then 50 miles from their parents.....ever.
The grandchildren are all fine. Abyah made the wrestling team. I think I am okay with that. I am not so sure that when I see her out on the mat I will be okay. I might run out on the mat to rescue her and pin her opponent. I am not so sure if she wrestle boys her Dad might not run to the mat to pin her opponent. I am sure I will have some good stories to tell about the exploits of her wrestling matches.
Jaclyn is doing well too. She has the funniest sense of humor. Between the mother and the Nana she is doomed to a quirky sense of humor. Fortunately she still thinks boys are stinky and is remaining a little girl for a little more. She is very very smart and does very well in school. Which makes me very happy.
Brooklyn is suppose to have a vocabulary of about 20 words at nearly two. She is about 16 months old and probably has at least a 200 + word vocabulary. She is in the infant class at her day care and we were very concerned when she started, afraid she would be picked on. However, it seems she is the class bully. There is a doll there that every child "knows" is Brooklyn's and they don't touch it. Until one day a little girl took the doll and Brooklyn "took care" of her. And just to prove her point she convinced the little girl to stand by the door that they weren't supposed to open. (It leads to the main lobby of the school) Brooklyn opened the door and shoved the little girl into the hallway, then closed the door and turned and smiled sweetly at the day care worker. They have decided she needs to be moved out of the infant class into the toddler class. They told Mike and Michelle, that Brookie is just too advanced and needs to be moved up. She is a sly one, that Brookie.
I am fine. But really miss Oregon. The class reunion has given me many moments of puzzlement. I have been married twice, recently tried to date and found my man picker is still off. I look at my classmates and the ones that are successful, retired and seem to be, not only content, but downright happy. Now I am a realist and know that they had to have had bumps along the way but somehow they worked through them. It sure makes a difference financially when two people spend their lifetime working together and at retirement they reap the benefits.
It seems there must be a secret in making a marriage work. I wonder if I asked each of my married classmates what their secret was, if I would get a different answer.
Love to you and yours,
NanaCarol
Oh well enough about that. We had a nice Thanksgiving. I longed for the days when I had all of my family together. As much as we want our children to grow up and become grown ups, we spend the rest of our lives missing them. What they should tell us when we are new parents is that we need to instill in our children that they can never live more then 50 miles from their parents.....ever.
The grandchildren are all fine. Abyah made the wrestling team. I think I am okay with that. I am not so sure that when I see her out on the mat I will be okay. I might run out on the mat to rescue her and pin her opponent. I am not so sure if she wrestle boys her Dad might not run to the mat to pin her opponent. I am sure I will have some good stories to tell about the exploits of her wrestling matches.
Jaclyn is doing well too. She has the funniest sense of humor. Between the mother and the Nana she is doomed to a quirky sense of humor. Fortunately she still thinks boys are stinky and is remaining a little girl for a little more. She is very very smart and does very well in school. Which makes me very happy.
Brooklyn is suppose to have a vocabulary of about 20 words at nearly two. She is about 16 months old and probably has at least a 200 + word vocabulary. She is in the infant class at her day care and we were very concerned when she started, afraid she would be picked on. However, it seems she is the class bully. There is a doll there that every child "knows" is Brooklyn's and they don't touch it. Until one day a little girl took the doll and Brooklyn "took care" of her. And just to prove her point she convinced the little girl to stand by the door that they weren't supposed to open. (It leads to the main lobby of the school) Brooklyn opened the door and shoved the little girl into the hallway, then closed the door and turned and smiled sweetly at the day care worker. They have decided she needs to be moved out of the infant class into the toddler class. They told Mike and Michelle, that Brookie is just too advanced and needs to be moved up. She is a sly one, that Brookie.
I am fine. But really miss Oregon. The class reunion has given me many moments of puzzlement. I have been married twice, recently tried to date and found my man picker is still off. I look at my classmates and the ones that are successful, retired and seem to be, not only content, but downright happy. Now I am a realist and know that they had to have had bumps along the way but somehow they worked through them. It sure makes a difference financially when two people spend their lifetime working together and at retirement they reap the benefits.
It seems there must be a secret in making a marriage work. I wonder if I asked each of my married classmates what their secret was, if I would get a different answer.
Love to you and yours,
NanaCarol
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Lela Fields - March 31, 1910 - March 12, 2009
Mama Fields was an inspirational women. She was strong... strong work ethics ...strong faith ... a strong mother. When I married her son I didn't realize what an influence she would have on my life and the lasting love I would have for her.
She came from a simple background. She picked cotton, worked as a domestic and raised four children on her own. She was strong willed and she set an example on all who knew her. She buried two daughters and maintained her faith through out all of that. When Mary Etta died she gave me strength because I knew she had gone through the same thing and came out stronger. She always told me to trust in God and just do the best you can.
When her son and I were going through some very rough times just before our divorce she came and got the children and I to spend a week with her. She literally put me in her bed and held me and comforted me all night. I could feel her strength reaching my soul. For her I gave my marriage one last attempt but when it failed a few months later but I knew I had done the best I could just like Mama said, "just do the best you can, child".
We remained in contact for the next twenty six years. She sent her daughter, my sister in law, to visit over Christmas vacation when Mary Etta was diagnosed with cancer.
Mama lived to be 98, just a few days short of 99 birthday. At her funeral I watched four grandsons and a granddaughter weep. They will all miss her. She raised three of those grandchildren. One a major in the army, one a high school math teacher, all her grandchildren successful and well educated and well spoken. Her legacy.
I was so glad my son, daughter in law and granddaughter were able to get to South Carolina before she died. She hadn't seen Mikey since he was three. As he held her hand apologizing for not coming sooner she squeezed his hand. She had not talked for several days but I know she knew he was there. Mama's bond with her children was too great for her not to have known he was at her side.
Mikey met his cousins he hadn't seen since he was three. You could see the bond between them. Not only did they look so much alike but there was such a bond...Mama's bond. They are now calling each other every few days and plan on spending time together this summer.
And for me such a blessing. I had been gone from the family for 26 years but they still called me Aunt Carol. And wonders of wonders they are calling me every few days. These grown men calling me because they missed me too. Pretty amazing. And even now I weep with wonder.
When I saw how much my children had missed being a part of the family I was pretty angry at their Dad for not keeping them involved in their lives. But then I remembered how Michael held his grandmother's hand and I knew we were always a part of their lives. I thought about the Christmas decorations that hung on the tree each Christmas that held pictures of the cousins.
Mama passed on a legacy to her children, her grandchildren and to me. I knew if she could survive all the pain of living I could too. She was my rock and I will miss her but every time I look at my children and grandchildren I will see her strength. And every time I am challenged and want to give up I will remember her words, "just do the best you can, child". I will remember how she trusted in God for her strength and her salvation.
Mama welcomed me in to her family, this white girl from Dundee. But more importantly she welcomed my children from my previous marriage. She was their grandmother and she treated them just like she did her other grandchildren. And for that I will always be grateful. When we came back from Panama, Mama planted a cotton bush and a peanut plant in her garden so Mary Etta and Andy would see how cotton and peanuts were grown. Only someone who has tried to blend a family together will really understand what it meant to me for her to include my children in her love.
Well, Miz Lela, you rest in peace. You deserve it. You worked hard all your life and you created quite a family. I will always miss you but I have you in my heart and I will just do the best I can.
Love to you and yours,
NanaCarol
She came from a simple background. She picked cotton, worked as a domestic and raised four children on her own. She was strong willed and she set an example on all who knew her. She buried two daughters and maintained her faith through out all of that. When Mary Etta died she gave me strength because I knew she had gone through the same thing and came out stronger. She always told me to trust in God and just do the best you can.
When her son and I were going through some very rough times just before our divorce she came and got the children and I to spend a week with her. She literally put me in her bed and held me and comforted me all night. I could feel her strength reaching my soul. For her I gave my marriage one last attempt but when it failed a few months later but I knew I had done the best I could just like Mama said, "just do the best you can, child".
We remained in contact for the next twenty six years. She sent her daughter, my sister in law, to visit over Christmas vacation when Mary Etta was diagnosed with cancer.
Mama lived to be 98, just a few days short of 99 birthday. At her funeral I watched four grandsons and a granddaughter weep. They will all miss her. She raised three of those grandchildren. One a major in the army, one a high school math teacher, all her grandchildren successful and well educated and well spoken. Her legacy.
I was so glad my son, daughter in law and granddaughter were able to get to South Carolina before she died. She hadn't seen Mikey since he was three. As he held her hand apologizing for not coming sooner she squeezed his hand. She had not talked for several days but I know she knew he was there. Mama's bond with her children was too great for her not to have known he was at her side.
Mikey met his cousins he hadn't seen since he was three. You could see the bond between them. Not only did they look so much alike but there was such a bond...Mama's bond. They are now calling each other every few days and plan on spending time together this summer.
And for me such a blessing. I had been gone from the family for 26 years but they still called me Aunt Carol. And wonders of wonders they are calling me every few days. These grown men calling me because they missed me too. Pretty amazing. And even now I weep with wonder.
When I saw how much my children had missed being a part of the family I was pretty angry at their Dad for not keeping them involved in their lives. But then I remembered how Michael held his grandmother's hand and I knew we were always a part of their lives. I thought about the Christmas decorations that hung on the tree each Christmas that held pictures of the cousins.
Mama passed on a legacy to her children, her grandchildren and to me. I knew if she could survive all the pain of living I could too. She was my rock and I will miss her but every time I look at my children and grandchildren I will see her strength. And every time I am challenged and want to give up I will remember her words, "just do the best you can, child". I will remember how she trusted in God for her strength and her salvation.
Mama welcomed me in to her family, this white girl from Dundee. But more importantly she welcomed my children from my previous marriage. She was their grandmother and she treated them just like she did her other grandchildren. And for that I will always be grateful. When we came back from Panama, Mama planted a cotton bush and a peanut plant in her garden so Mary Etta and Andy would see how cotton and peanuts were grown. Only someone who has tried to blend a family together will really understand what it meant to me for her to include my children in her love.
Well, Miz Lela, you rest in peace. You deserve it. You worked hard all your life and you created quite a family. I will always miss you but I have you in my heart and I will just do the best I can.
Love to you and yours,
NanaCarol
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
LETTERBOXING
I went to Sacramento last weekend to see the girls and be there while Isaac had his back surgery. Which went well by the way. I recently visited a website that described "Letterboxing". People hide a "treasure" then leave clues on a website for people to follow then find the "treasure". Apparently "Letterboxing" it is quite widespread around the world. So in the spirit of adventure Jenny, the girls and I spent Sunday going on our first treasure hunt. Armed with the clues we spent the first hour and a half hiking through the woods and digging around trees and under rocks. Since we weren't getting any where we decided to go back to the car to reconnoiter. Re-reading the clues we realized we had not followed them. We found the start of the trail not the end where we had been searching and after about an hour Jac and Abyah found the buried treasure. It was a log book where you write your name and date then rebury. We had written a quick letter telling a little about ourselves which we added to the treasure. Actually it was a tupperware bowl sealed in several sealed plastic baggies. We had so much fun!!! This is a great activity for children and I highly recommend it. It would be a great activity for a birthday party or a grandparent-grandchild adventure. Jac and Bubba want to do their own treasure hunt so they are going to ask Grandpa Brisco (Jenny's Dad) to help them find a good location on public land to hide their own "treasure". Then Jac will write the clues and put them online at the website. Here is the website that describes letterboxing and where you find the "treasure hunts" in your area. We will do one each time I go to visit.
I am looking forward to our class reunion. It is hard to imagine we have been out of high school for 45 years. I don't feel that old. But it will be fun to get together with old friends.
Brooklyn gets cuter every day. Living in Mike and Michelles "backyard" I see Brookie everyday. After a day at work I love playing with her. She is so good natured and happy that the stresses of the day melt away.
Mike had a big shock Friday. The company he had worked for for 9 years, Empire Pacific Windows, fired him. Unfortunately I could see the writing on the wall a year ago when Mike had his boss over for dinner. I seldom use the "race card" but I told Michael then to watch himself because his boss was a serious racist and that no amount of selling windows would save his job. And unfortunately I was right. After being transferred to LA Mike has consistently built up a business with no help from his company. They refused to spend any marketing dollars to make their prominence known. Mike has sold almost a million dollars in windows in the past year and after developing business relationships with contractors and window vendors he was asked to turn over his territory to another sales rep well known for his sales of cocaine rather then windows. Mike was given a new territory.....Compton. He already has several job offers pending so he will be all right. The unethical business practices of companies for the past eight years must be turned around by our new president. Countless lives have been changed by the past eight years of malice against the American people brought about by criminals pretending to be elected officials. I thought the shame of the 60's, Vietnam, taught us to be less trusting of our government but nothing prepared us for the reign of terror the Bush family and his cronies, the oil companies and financial institutions inflicted on the American people. They had no responsibilities except to line their pockets with the souls of the American populace. I know we are looking to Obama to be our Savior but it will take many years to undo what the Bushite's reign of greed has done to America. I suppose there are still a few who may look at the Republican party with favor but they need only look at their 401K plan to see how much he cared for the people who wanted him elected.
Love to you and yours,
NanaCarol
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